Monday, August 10, 2015

Guess who's back in town..!

Hello. My name is Liza (still) and I took a gap year blogging-wise. Hereby I present to you: that_show_jumping_girl’s blog version 2.0 and I solemnly swear to not get myself derailed again.

About a year ago, I got on this crazy bitch of a rollercoaster that took me 12 months to get off again. It barely allowed use of cellphones so laptops were a definite no-go. 
Before I say anything else, just let me make it very clear that everyone has their problems and there is just no way to compare one another’s or better yet; classify which ones are the worst. Unfortunately, people have this huge tendency to compare their problems to someone else’s. Especially when they think their own problems are way worse than anyone else’s. Therefor, they seem to have decided, it is just not okay for other people to complain because their own misery is just way more serious. 
But hey, new flash; not everyone has the same friggin mindset (thank God). I did not loose a close relative, a leg or every penny of my family’s funds. Nevertheless, this stupid coaster caused me the biggest agony I’ve ever felt. It was a side of me I’d never seen before and honestly, it got me pretty scared. But hey guess what. Lemons, either handed over to you by a cute bar tender or harshly thrown at you by this bitch called Life, mean Tequila shots!!!! Or key lime pie or something. (click here for the extended version of this life lesson)
Bottom line; this chick is back in action and she welcomes you to this first episode of the new season.

Okay so I came across this book on Instagram the other day and it kept popping up in my feed. Yes this will be kind of a book review but don’t get scared away, this book is the most hilarious thing I’ve read in a long ass time!!
The subtitle being ‘How to win at basically everything’ was kind of.. daring. And then the back cover says; 
  • Don’t be easy
  • Don’t be poor
  • Don’t be ugly.

Ok now you really got my attention. 

Nice is just a place in France

Side note..
If you really have this massive amount of hatred towards every rich-and-famous related topic, you might as well stop reading because you gonna want to burn this book to the ground anyways. I wish you a pleasant tree-house life, say hi to your goats. 

Obviously I had to read this. And so I did. 

This book really is a collection of guidelines more than an actual story. It’s meant for girls who desire to be a lifelong Betch. I have to admit I’m not the biggest fan of that word but hey, not all the same mindsets right? 

The authors (the Betches, google them) divided this book in different parts and all parts together cover the basics from like high school to marriage. Every section covers a different topic aka part of life: parties, college, work, dating etc. It gives you Do’s and Don’ts for quite a few (sticky) situations, the correct manners, outfit, attitude and just some basic survival tips for daddy’s little rich girl. No offence. 
All of this is mixed together with some very inspirational quotes, lots of Iced Coffee and.. wel.. Xanax. 

Now I pray to God that whoever reads this book wont take every single word 100% serious because that could honestly get you killed. (Xanax overdose duh.) Besides, yes, Nice is just a place in France but it’s a damn good place! Next towns over are basically st. Tropez and Monte Carlo so chill out and read this book with a grain of salt. Or better yet, a fairly large table spoon. 

However, besides the How-To on getting your dad to pay for a $5000 purse, this book definitely includes some unwritten rules I should have implied to my life a long time ago. The absolute best being;

‘… but often doing the opposite of your instincts is what gets you the biggest prize.’

Writing this on a memo, putting it on my damn mirror. Ok, in my head, not for real. That’s just pathetic. But really, amen to that. 

Then there’s a whole lot of talk on how girls should look.. More like, how not to look. Which is fat and ugly. Now, this currently is a hot topic in the real world and kind of a delicate one too. There are as many variations of ‘fat’ as there are of breakfast cereal and the Betches might be somewhat of a bigger bitch about this than I will be on here, but bottom line should always be; please don’t put on denim shorts if they disappear halfway between your unmissable butt cheeks and/or thigh-flaps. K, thanks. 

When reading this book, you will not just encounter the word Betch more often than you see your own mom. You better get familiar with Bro’s and Pro’s too. I kinda like how they dissected the entire male species into 4 groups based on maturity vs. game level. Bro’s should mature into Pro’s and they’re either considered a Nice Guy or a Shady Asshole, the latter based on their level of Douchiness (Douchebag yes or no). To clarify this; Dan Humphrey is considered a Nice Guy Bro (aka Library Wedding GDI) whereas Tiger Woods is a definite Shady Asshole Pro. (pun intended for the Golf lovers.)

And guess what? The whole book is filled with charts like these! What an eye opener, life makes so much more sense now! 

I’m serious tho, read this book. If not useful, you’re obliged to find it ridiculously funny. Apart from that, if I hadn’t read this book, I would have continued living completely unaware of the fact it is totally OK to, while on Spring Break, do shots at 7AM but definitely not OK to do 7 shots in 1 minute. (see chapter ‘Spring break: how to go hard without going to jail’) Nor would I have learned that, although Anne Frank studied abroad in Amsterdam, you should really choose elsewhere to spend the semester and keep Amsterdam to a weekend visit because really, the only people who spend their semester here probably have a black light and poster of Bob Marley hanging above their bed. (see chapter ‘Studying abroad: how to culturally immerse yourself in foreign alcohol) 
Oh yeah, side note 2: If you’re like anti-alcohol.. don’t read this book either. Alcohol for sure gives the Iced Coffee a run for her money.. if not hunts it down and robs it right there and then.

Other than that, fucking fantastic book. Ok enough with all the ranting, go buy this book. And don’t worry, if you accidentally order the E-book, you ain’t the first, you won’t be the last, we’re lucky enough to live in a pretty decent return and exchange-policy world these days. (may or may not be personal experience) 


So yeah, big applause to you for getting through all this! Ok, just kidding, I totally know you are in fact very well educated, reading lots of actual books and stuff so rather I should be thanking you for  taking the time to read this shallow blog post. 

Love you lots and see y’all next year week!


xoxo
Liza

PS. For the equestrian betches reading this: 1. click on 'equestrian betches', that page is awesome. 2. The Betches say the following about sports for girls: Your interest in sports should be limited to things that highlight your personal superiority and winning qualities, so that pretty much only allows for nonteam sports with pricey accessories. AKA; hellooo equestrian sports! :-)


Another one of these super useful charts: how to completely piss someone off while still remaining the classy girl AND winning the argument! haha

Pretty much covers it all. 

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